Message That Brings JOY

About

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Thu, 04 May 2023 14:55:44 GMT

My name is Amy. I have a daughter! For the longest time, I didn’t think I would ever say those words.

And I had reconciled that notion. I had three perfect, healthy, wild, adorable boys. And then my tubes tied! Right, I mean I wasn’t going for a basketball team. And even if I was okay with that, my body seemed to reject recovering from any more after the three cesarean births and subsequent infections.

Because I feel so blessed to be chosen by God and I know that God calls us all in different ways. I hope you will not only be blessed to know more about the adoption that changed our life, but you will be encouraged to discover the message that brings Joy for you.

The Science of Joy:31

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 16:42:00 GMT

Xtreme Science mode is happening! One of my scientific advisors and good friends, Dr. Leylah Zeek, is attending the NORD conference in DC with me right now. NORD is the National Organization for Rare Disorders. This meeting is the Breakthrough Summit on Orphan Products for Rare Diseases. There are nearly 600 attendees representing patient advocacy groups, industry, academia, big pharma, FDA, NIH, and investors.

We are encouraged by how far Xtraordinary Joy has come in these last 4 months (the short life of our foundation). And our eyes are open to some of the challenges we may encounter in our future. My approach will not change. We are still going to forge ahead always. And move at the pace needed to gain understanding and therapies for our Moriah Joy and others with her deletion. And in the future…other deletions and rare disorders. In fact I just strolled the large room of posters presenting data collected by various rare disorder groups. I took photos and notes on how others on this path are making progress and reporting their plans and data. There are so many on this journey.

I can really see us having a poster and oral presentation next year on research advances we have in the works in the coming months. And we are focusing on establishing relationships with some of the organizations here, because this time next year we expect to be in a completely different phase of our work. Data analysis and expansion. The neuroscientists and cellular reprogramming specialist we have on our scientific team believe this work will be successful and beyond that will establish a model of personalized medicine that will help many with rare chromosome disorders, other kids with autism and intellectual disability and epilepsy.

We can see how important it is to have funding. Kristen Gray, mother and founder of Charlotte and Gwenyth Gray Foundation, opened the summit yesterday morning to share her quick journey. I say quick because she pushed for diagnosis and then research in a field where there was no cure and she would not accept that fate for her daughters. With some celebrity sponsors and amazing friends they were able to raise millions in their first year which ultimately put them on a fast track enabling their daughter to be the first to receive a new therapy for her rare deadly diagnosis–Batten Disease. Amazing!!!

Celebrity sponsors or sponsorship period is not easy to get. But grants are less available for us. We suspect we will be able to apply for some grants next year, once we have some data. For now we see how much our fundraising efforts are needed.

Please join our fundraising efforts. You can donate or purchase tickets to our gala which is in TWO weeks. Or maybe you can sponsor us or donate some items that will motivate others to give. Maybe your gifts would be to volunteer your time and talents (for example: provide some marketing, public relations communications, or administrative assistance). I need help and have several areas to address to help us as we grow. The theme here at NORD is “Alone we are rare–Together we are strong!” Thank you for being in this with us Together!

Celebrity Joy: 30

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Sat, 13 Aug 2016 15:27:00 GMT

CELEBRITY! So many people have called me a celebrity lately thanks to the local news piece that covered our story of rare chromosome disorder diagnosis. It got me thinking. And laughing out loud. Celebrity. That is the last thing I ever dreamed of. And especially not for this reason–a child with great need. Now I realize I am not REALLY a celebrity. But I am getting a lot more calls and emails from other mama’s wanting to connect and wanting to hope (I will have to come back to this one because this subject gives me a billion different feelings worth writing about).

A celebrity is a very important person, right–VIP? I struggle with this because I have never placed much importance in fame. I have actually been pretty anti-celebrity. I can’t tell you who sings songs on the radio or who the famous actor is in a movie. Because I just don’t really care. Sorry, but that is just me. I know I am a minority probably.

But like most things, God has used THIS to help me reflect and learn and develop into something new ; what He wants for me. Again, I am not thinking “He wants me to be famous.”. But I feel I have learned a lot about myself and my community in this time since our story was made so public . I have always taught my children not to put faith in their celebrity idols because they are just people; people that make mistakes. And I have always believed that God sees us all equally important and loved; that money or exposure or even talent or good deeds shouldn’t make us feel more important. And yet, I find myself promoting my image, my company, my family. It doesn’t feel natural. I am coming at this from way out of my comfort zone.

These last couple months have been a whirlwind of events, meetings and feelings. I don’t think my writing actually does justice to the emotional battle I feel daily. Reality vs. Hope; Faith vs. Fear. I can’t even shut my brain off at night to sleep. I wake thinking of all the action items I have for the day and ways to reach out to others, which isn’t my absolute favorite thing to do. Asking for help has not been easy but I have had a ton of family and friends step up and offer and take some of that burden. In fact most of the help has come from people reaching out to us. Even strangers. One Wednesday, I received a Facebook message from a reporter at our local news station asking to interview me that day. I had no time to prepare anything or even put on makeup. Thankfully this reporter did such a great job at capturing the JOY in this piece that aired just hours later.

http://www.wcjb.com/local-news/2016/07/gainesville-two-year-old-fighting-rare-genetic-disorder

My new celebrity status (chuckle, laugh, haha–5 minutes of fame–well 3 to be exact), well it is serving its purpose–to help drive me even more to live up to the hype. (you will have to read the next blog post for all the progress–coming soon)

The more deeply I get into the Foundation work, the more I know this is eXactly where God has planned for me my whole life. Moments when I am full of my own self-doubt I feel God’s presence so profound that I know He has it all under control. Moments when I want to go back to a “normal” ordinary life, my heart is flooded with eXtra-ordinary joy. Moments when I am frustrated with my desire to control the timing and response to my pleas, I feel God’s patience and peace that His timing is perfect. It is easy to wrap myself in all the daily “stuff”. My to-do list grows everyday. With every check on the list, I add twenty-two other reminders. And God is still there. He is guiding me and providing–in so many ways. I especially feel His lavish love seeing the people that have come together to form Xtraordinary Joy board of directors, planning and fundraising and energized. Wow. He blows me away with His goodness. Sometimes I just “stumble”across a lead and know it is all His guidance. I am eXperiencing a whole new JOY in this purpose and seeing Him move in everyday needs.

God is the real CELEBRITY. He is who I wish to honor with all that I do. It isn’t easy to have your life on display, but there is a great purpose to the exposure–accountability, motivation (as if I needed more) and spreading awareness. Please keep spreading the Joy and sharing our story, so that we can do more. The next blog post will address how we are planning the “more”. For now, know that we appreciate all of you.

eXodus Joy: 29

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Fri, 10 Jun 2016 10:32:00 GMT

I am turning 40 this month and I have been reflecting on my life. I don’t think it is coincidence that I feel a stronger sense of purpose this year, with the start of Xtraordinary Joy foundation. Forty is a number that is used many times throughout the bible to signify a period of time, like 40 days or 40 years, and represents a period of testing or judgement and then the fulfillment of promise.

I think, what if, my last 40 years I have been like the Israelites Moses led in the mass Exodus out of Egypt, “ wandering the wilderness”.. and now I am seeing the Promised Land for the first time. what if the wandering is the key here. I haven’t exactly stayed the course these 40 years. Like the Israelites, I may not have kept my focus on the joy and instead got lost in grumblings. And like those blessed people, I have gotten to see some pretty significant miracles that have wakened my purpose and direction lately. I would say they felt like burning bush-type of miracles. The kinds that help shift focus to Joy.

I don’t sense that entering my Promised Land nor the next 40 years are going to be restful or easy. I have signed up for a lofty mission. But practicing Joy will definitely help me make the next steps in this journey.

When I looked up “forty” in my bible search field, a few verses actually really spoke to me. In the Message version I like to read, several times in Judges it says, “The land was quiet for forty years.” In other versions that quiet means rest and peace. Then if 40 years is the period of time, then a change is coming this year, right. Less peace and rest and quiet. Now my husband wants to know how I have been quiet ever. Ha ha. But really, if my life has been at rest these last 40 years it is about to rise up and make some noise now. I am thinking Xtraordinary Joy type of loud, like shouting my eXuberant JOYful noise.

Join with me, friends. Let’s shout our joy. Let’s discover this together, what it means to make a Joyful noise in Xtraordinary ways. I know it isn’t easy to show your silly, joyful side sometimes. I know it is out of my comfort zone to ask for help and ask you to join us in spreading joy. But that’s what my 40th birthday plight is. Stretch with me folks. Watch this video and then make your own video of what joy looks and sounds like to you. Make it as silly or loud as you want. And don’t forget to challenge others and share the gofundme site. We need all the help we can get to get this started. Thank you so much, friends.

Please join with me in donating to the start of our foundation. https://www.gofundme.com/xtraordinaryjoy

Xtraordinary Joy:28

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Mon, 23 May 2016 10:12:00 GMT

I am excited to write that this journey we have been on is beginning the next phase. I feel like we have run the adoption marathon and now are beginning an Ironman in Combatting rare chromosome disorder. We know there are going to be blisters along the way but the prize is worth it. We are setting out to fund and find treatment possibilities for our daughter and are blessed to partner with amazing scientists eager to help. We have some great ideas, which of course need propelled by funds. Grants are not going to be readily available for such a rare disease so it is really up to us. So we are working with some of our best friends and community leaders to plan exciting fundraisers and raise awareness and money for this cause. Thank you for supporting us. We will soon have 501c3 status so your donations will be tax deductible. Please share and follow. And God bless these efforts.

https://www.gofundme.com/xtraordinaryjoy

Xpanding Joy: 27

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Fri, 22 Apr 2016 14:21:00 GMT

I started getting visions of something before Moriah was born. I never understood them clearly but after her diagnosis, I began getting them again. I began seeing something big happening. I spent a lot of time telling God no. I didn’t understand the vision or why me. I didn’t feel equipped to do things I felt God putting on my heart. I would negotiate with God. And I would question, What if I just don’t do it? I know God was asking me to step out of the places I was comfortable and into an unknown journey…with Him. I resisted everyday. I pleaded for God to send help, someone else. And then after a lot of prayer, reading about some pretty cool people in the Bible that didn’t feel equipped for God’s plan, and seeking wise counsel in some of my most prayerful friends/family…I agreed.

This last sentence is so not adequate for the amount of time I spent pursuing truth and putting God on hold, so I will give you an example of how God spoke truth into me when I was so desperately searching for it. At Easter church service of all times, but also the day after seeing a video of an older girl with Moriah’s deletion which hit me hard, our amazing Pastor Rick was talking about one of the visions Ezekial was given, ch.37. Ezekial had been taken out of his home land by the Spirit of the Lord and set in a valley of dry bones, death, loss, mourning so overtaking. And God asked him, “Can these bones live?” Rick reminded us that when God or Jesus asks a question, it isn’t for His knowledge, but to reveal to us. So here, the question is really, “Do you believe?” Do I believe God can breathe His life into ANYTHING, ANWHERE His Spirit is bringing me to??”

I submitted to God’s plans, which I know are better than my own. I believe He can make anything come to life. And with His guidance I prayed for everyday, I started working toward the vision of something that would leave me completely dependent on Him.

As I pursued healthcare and treatment options for my daughter and scientific research on her deleted genes, my eyes were being opened to the needs in these areas. As I was being welcomed into support groups for moms of kids with special needs, I heard their plights and felt their frustrations. And I felt God positioning me to help, in ways I never dared dream.

But just as I let you all in on this, I know their is such a risk. Of failing. Of exposure. Of fears I have never experienced. Of time and money and time. Yes, I meant to put that twice. I am not a known risk taker. I am known as the motherly, planned, rule-follower. And safety is key in all of that. I am safe. I don’t take risks. I make due with what I have and find happiness wherever I am. I would dare say my husband is similar. We have been married, worked and live in the same home for 17 years. You get me? We don’t rock the boat. I don’t rock the boat. I like this trait in me. But God says, (and I am paraphrasing) “let me work through your weakness.” (2Corinthians 12:9) He is teaching me to want more and dream bigger.

He loves me enough to help me grow into something else He wants for me. And He isn’t going to stop until He is finished (Philippians 1:6).

So I am taking a leap of faith. And my husband too. We knew when God asked us to adopt and we accepted His will, we were showing God we could be trusted to continue to follow Him. We knew we would be stretched, expanded into other areas. So the time has come for our next calling. We feel called to start something new… A foundation for Moriah’s rare X chromosome deletion.

When we said yes, we didn’t fully know the plan. We still don’t know exactly how we can help, what raising money will do, but God is teaching us more about trust and His power. He is teaching us to dream bigger, do bigger, love more. He knows the JOY Moriah brings to so many and is X-panding that JOY to reach more. We have a small view of the plan and keep getting more of the picture as God reveals more to us. Stay tuned. It’s going to be good.

Storytelling Joy: 26

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 18:49:00 GMT

Moriah doesn’t talk like a nearly 2 year old usually does. She doesn’t even say, “mama”. She doesn’t mimic me when I repeat sounds and words she should be able to understand by now.

YET.

That is what you all want me to say, right. YET! You all want me to believe she will. You have all been so supportive and keep me looking up. And Moriah Joy certainly keeps me hoping and believing. But I struggle with the scientific realist mind innate in me and the God-breathed strength and faith gifted in me. I struggle with the longing I have to hear my daughter’s voice call for me and the knowledge that there are children living my fear.

I have been blessed by Rare Chromosome Disorder Outreach to be connected with two other moms of girls with similar X chromosome deletions. These beautiful girls are 8 years old. And they are so much like Moriah. In many ways. They have bright happy smiles. They have similar excited hand motions. They don’t speak but use other communication efforts with pictures. They have low muscle tone too. The similarities go on.

These awesome mamas have welcomed me with open arms, so blessed to have another concerned mama that understands the fear of the unknown, the frustration of feeling alone with so few cases of this deletion… They don’t have the privilege of knowing what the future holds but are grateful to share a few years into our future. They have alerted me to the different types of seizures their girls experienced after age 3 and the medicines that they have tried. They have told me about their special educational classes, autism diagnosis challenges, and the anxiety that is characteristic of Fragile X.

What can I say? I have had some wind sucked out me. I feel blessed to have some new companionship and scared I know too much. I go through about every emotion possible everyday. I know I need to stay in the present yet I keep searching for answers to the future. I just want to be real, people. I struggle. I have a hard time just celebrating the victories. And there have been victories! Way more than challenges lately. Despite ear infection and three horrible sinus infections since her surgery 3 months ago, she has progressed very well with play, with eating, making new sounds, and trying to mimic… She is so proud of herself too I think. She has learned some hand gestures to songs and it gives us a great tool to teach her more. But I struggle to stay in the joy. I spend most of my day emailing specialists and scientists and reading papers and thinking of ways to help her. I feel God leading me. I know I am supposed to do this. As long as I remain in her joy and in the present. God has gone before me and he doesn’t need me to sprint out ahead. But everyday, he puts some great opportunities before me. EVERY DAY my to-do list grows. I have to believe this stirring I have is from Him. What if He has created me to be the mom and the scientist for just this need and time? What if the questions that keep driving me for answers are not out of angst and worry but out of PURPOSE and JOY?! And I can’t wait to share more with you in the next month!!! Doors are opening and plans are in place…

He has made me a storyteller. I am her voice (until she gets her own!-that’s my “YET”, friends). I was blessed to share our unique adoption story and now I will continue our story, wherever that leads. (Check out this cool video)

“…With every page that turns I see your faithfulness Oh the mountain where I climbed The valley where I fell You were there all along That’s the story I’ll tell You brought the pieces together Made me this storyteller Now I know it is well, it is well That’s the story I’ll tell There were some nights that felt like They would last forever But you kept me breathing You were with me right then And all that you have done for me I could never hold it in So here’s to me telling this story Over and over again Oh the mountain where I climbed The valley where I fell You were there all along That’s the story I’ll tell You brought the pieces together Made me this storyteller Now I know it is well, it is well That’s the story I’ll tell You hold the broken You hear my every cry, every cry My eyes are open I know that it is well, it is well.”

Boy, these words speak to me. And the video is perfect. God takes our brokenness and makes it part of our story of victory and redemption and joy for His glory. I know the world doesn’t teach us to embrace our brokenness. But what if we let God fill the brokenness with Him? Moriah has a broken chromosome that is actually pretty revealing of what is broken in me.

And wow, when my eyes are open to what God is doing for His good, I can honestly say, “it is well!”

My 9 year old son Sy reminds me that is not about the destination but the journey. He is pretty wise. I am on a journey, my friends, and I am bringing you with me. Thanks for sharing this walk with us. It’s scary. It’s exciting. It’s full of victories and tears. And it is beautiful.

Diagnosing Joy: 25

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 21:21:00 GMT

A month after our courtroom victory, there had been no appeal. We seemed to be in the clear. It felt good to breathe. That stress had been removed. But it was settling in that Moriah had some big challenges. Her physical therapy was progressing well. She was doing exercises to strengthen her muscles. And she had gotten inserts for her shoes to help her keep her balance and was starting to walk. She was so happy to be on the move. Her feeding therapy, even as slow as it was, was helping her keep food down despite bouts of gagging. She was tolerating more foods and textures and the therapists were excellent about trying new tools and techniques. In addition, she had started speech therapy, with the understanding that it may be a long time before she uses words. The whole family was helping. The boys have been so proud to help her with her therapy at home. And her day caregivers were more than happy to help and tell me any progress throughout the day.

And then her genetic tests came back-by email-“abnormal”. There was a detailed explanation of her results in the report. We had answers.

This is a blessing in itself. I have met many families since the diagnosis that do not have the privilege of a diagnosis, but struggle with long term delays and many unanswered questions. So we are very thankful to have some knowledge about the cause of her delays. However, the diagnosis is complex, even for this scientist. And rare. And has no pretty name or awareness events or walk for a cure. But there are a lot of positives despite this. She will live. She does not have a terminal diagnosis. And I know God has big plans for Moriah Joy (please know that I do not mean God does not have plans for those lives that leave this world before we are ready; I merely claim the victory of eternal life for us through Jesus and the promises God has for us and I claim every blessing over my family).

Moriah is missing 46 genes on one of her X chromosomes. This is called a deletion. Actually her literal diagnosis is “x chromosome microdeletion,” although 46 genes seems pretty not-micro to me. Most rare childhood disorders or diseases are caused by 1 gene mutation. 46 seems so daunting.

Here is some background. Girls have 2 x chromosomes and boys have 1x and 1Y. So the next test our geneticist wanted to do measured how much of her “good x” was present in her blood. He called me from vacationing to order those next tests. Turns out she is about 50:50. This means half of her cells make the needed proteins and half of her cells do not. Of the 46 proteins she could not make in those cells, 5 of them are associated with known syndromes and disorders, with mild to severe symptoms. For example, one of her missing proteins FMR1, Fragile X Mental Retardation, is what is lacking in those with Fragile X Syndrome. While she does not have that diagnosis because she has half of that protein, she has several symptom similarities. She is missing more than that one protein. It may be years before we know how some of these deleted genes affect Moriah. And in the meantime I am reading as much as I can.

In my reading, I have found that there are other kids that have deletions like Moriah’s, but maybe different genes are missing or a chunk of the same region but not exactly the same. I have been able to find journal publications on children and adults that have very similar deletions so I can gain an understanding to some degree. A publication in 2014 states that only seven girls plus the three girls in that research article had been reported. Again, some deletions included in the study are smaller than Moriah’s deletion and sometimes the X ratio is different for each child. In fact none of the 10 reported girls have the exact same genes missing but have the most similarity. Moriah may be the only girl with that exact deletion. Most studies note any physical anomalies and developmental delays that give me a place to start (mostly comparing and giving me a level of expectation. For instance, most of the girls did not have words until 4 or 5 years old and were delayed to sit, crawl and walk due to muscle weakness.) Others similarly reported gagging, vomitting and reflux among other feeding issues. These things are helpful even though I understand there are differences.

Definitely the most information available is on the FMR1 gene but I am looking into every single gene. I have been reading anything I can get my hands on. Most things I find with my experience in scientific research. I am sure it is a blessing but some days I read some difficult material and am not sure I can handle it as a mama. Many of the deleted genes are needed to regulate tumor suppressors. Without that regulation, she may be more prone to irregular cell growth (the “c” word). Several of her missing genes (and their absence) are implicated in some organ difficulties, specifically ovary failure. As a mom, I feel heartbroken over the reports of infertility and premature ovarian loss, but also know now is not the time to focus on this. And lacking another of her missing genes has been theorized (but not proven) to be responsible for brain tumors and bipolar disorder. You bet I’m going to learn more about this( but there is next to nothing on it at this time).

So I stay plugged into her developmental delays. And I have joined about every online community I can and continue to advocate for therapy and developmental resources.

I am putting it all together right now. Four months after diagnosis, I am writing specialists and researchers for expertise and gathering as many facts as I can. There is some excitement in X chromosome research that I plan to follow and propel if I can. And there are some biological advances in understanding and possibly treating Fragile X I plan to stay on top of. In the meantime, therapy is the best support I can provide Moriah besides unconditional love and family and stability.

I am attending support groups for special needs families and learning so much about some of the commonalities. I am gaining insight into autism spectrum, sensory processing, apraxia, gastrointestinal issues, ear tube dysfunction, sleep difficulties, anxiety and other behavioral and developmental concerns we are already facing. And most days I get a healthy dose of perspective and gratitude. A lot of parents are going through some battles I just have never allowed my mind to go. But now I am awakened to so much more. I have always had a passion for mamas; I wanted to be an OBGYN or midwife for most of my life. But now I get to connect with mamas in a whole new way, praying for their unique needs and learning from the steps they have taken. I can see God’s blessings in this too. And I am in awe of how good He is.

He IS good. All the time. And I am leaning on Him for strength and wisdom and compassion to be the best mama I can be to all my children.

Justice for Joy: 24

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 03:50:00 GMT

Justice is something I had to learn about in context of how God sees Justice. And trust was something I was learning to reserve for God and not man. I was desperate for His righteousness to prevail. I knew an injustice had been served to us by a judge that had felt injustice done to him in his past and tainted his own ability to judge with proper discretion. From what we were told, the judgement was unlawful and unique, yet everyone we spoke with knew exactly the kind of terror this judge had brought about in other families. We wanted justice. We wanted to fight him. We wanted to blame him. But we wanted our daughter more. And fighting him would not help us in that battle. Thankfully our spirit-filled agency and attorney had helped us see this. I had to keep trusting them; they were with us all along, even though they were not profiting from our adoption at this point, and they had gone out of their way over and over to get all our paperwork and legal obligations transitioned to another agency and attorney.

While we waited yet again, I sought the Lord’s vision of justice. I read the book of Job. You know the story right, he loses everything but his faith. Somewhere in the midst of his loss and pain, Job focuses on the wisdom and power of God and forgets his complaints. And then God redeems his life with even more. And so I keep my attention on the goodness and power through Christ, my redeemer. Worship was key. This probably deserves a whole post. But others say it better than me. I sound so cliché. I have just had to practice what I have read–gratitude brings joy.

My prayer warrior Debbie had messaged her friend/college roommate, our adoption attorney, on our behalf. I think it may have prompted the attorney to call us. We had not spoken directly to her in a year, only to her office. What she told us completely caught me off guard. All along I thought we had a chance to end this waiting once and for all at this upcoming hearing, but now the story was different. She insisted we were in good hands with her colleague because she wouldn’t be able to attend the upcoming hearing, but that it didn’t matter too much because it was just a logistical hearing at this point and it would drag on much longer because the opposing family member would “get their day in court”. I rebutted, “[x] has had their day in court and done nothing except show up. How could they be given more time…to do nothing except delay this longer and keep our family in hiatus?” She seemed pretty knowledgeable and insisted that they would have the opportunity to get an attorney and then we would go through months of gathering evidence before more hearings. I think she looked forward to the fight. She had written many of the state’s adoption laws and loved standing up for them. And she believed we were legally in the right. However, I was in dismay about what she was telling me. We had waited so long already. Normally, adoptions are finalized around 90days after placement. We had waited 90days plus one year already and were looking at another grueling, expensive year. But once again I had no control over any of this. We were still not considered a party and therefore could not be in the courtroom to make our plea. I was depending on the adoption attorney and I expressed this to her. I pleaded with her to make the case that this had gone on long enough. She said she would do what she could. I wanted to trust her but I felt so failed by the law at this point and skeptical that her colleague would care as much as I needed him to. I cried and shook and panicked. But after that, came God’s calm assurance that He would take care of us.

***********************************************************************

On August 28, 2015, we got a call we did not expect. The attorney, who had just told us not to expect a miracle, was indeed delivering a message of this very miracle. She did go to court that morning, even though she said she could not. She did plead with the new judge that we had been through enough. And the judge ruled in our favor. Hallelujah! It was the justice we had been praying for. I was shaking uncontrollably and could barely take notes so that I could remember the details. She was excited and talking quickly too. She told me that there was drama that played out like a soap opera in the courtroom. I will likely never know the details, but they don’t matter. A huge mountain had been moved. And we all know the only One who could move that mountain.

We were told that an appeal could occur. And in the forefront of my mind I really expected an appeal. But we couldn’t focus on that now. As the day went on and we shared our news with our family and friends… But it was difficult to celebrate. I can only explain that the devil was again trying to steal our joyous moments and taint Christ-honoring victories with his lies. Less than 24 hours earlier, Moriah’s doctors had spent so much time with us going over her possible diagnosis. The enemy was working hard to distract us from the amazing Win for our family.

But justice. Yeah, that abstract notion that God had been teaching us about through faith. Justice was tangible now. Justice had come. Joy was ours.

Endurance and JOY: 23

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Wed, 13 Jan 2016 01:42:00 GMT

“And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.” –Hebrews 12:1

It felt like I was running that kind of a race this last year. It wasn’t long before though that I was training for running half marathons before an injury kept me from pursuing that passion. I thought about the nerve pain that I cursed that prevented me from even running one mile. And I had just built up to 13 miles. You see I felt like I was meant to run a distance. God had given me the desire and the ability to run. And it felt like I had just figured that out with the completion of my first half marathon. And just as quickly, I had to make the call to not push my body in that way anymore.

I was getting the news of being picked by birth mama (yes, I am going back that far for this post) at this very time I was getting physical therapy for the nerve damage and muscle weakness causing my pelvis to come out of alignment, putting pressure on the nerves. I remember telling the therapist, as I limped around in pain, not understanding why this was happening, “I am on a fast track to heal because I am going to need to lift a baby soon.” Sure enough, he was able to give me some great tools which I still have to use every single day just to put my pelvis and spine back in alignment. And holding my now almost 20 month old in the 95th percentile for height and weight is even possible.

Yes all of these memories and emotions come back when I read this verse. Indeed, both Moriah’s adoption and diagnosis would call for endurance. “We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.”–Hebrews‬ ‭12:1-2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

It is supposed to be that easy, focusing on Him. And why should it be difficult? He has given me so many promises to hold on to. But the fear would overcome me sometimes. And that is why I so needed the reminder that he is the champion and that he is perfecting my faith in this. He started this and he will finish it and he is with me in the midst. Joy is the prize for the endurance. His peace is my prize for the faith he shapes in me.

Following Joy: 22

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 00:03:00 GMT

Tony and I took Moriah to see the genetics specialist just days after even realizing she may be dealing with a lifelong diagnosis and the challenges that go with it. The doctor noted some of the common features Moriah displayed with the syndrome characteristic traits, but immediately stated that he did not believe she had that named syndrome. He was thorough and kind, passionate about the children he sees and very knowledgeable, THE expert in that syndrome. Before we left, he sent us off with two orders for genetic tests. One would rule out the syndrome with the happy name with 85% reliability and the other would look for other known syndromes and genetic reasons for developmental delays.

I don’t know exactly why, but I sat on those tests for a while. Just knowing she didn’t have the one syndrome felt like enough for me. And I don’t remember what finally spurred me to take her to get more blood drawn. She had been through so much in such a short time.

Oh yes, I remember now. The new adoption agency was helping us set up the next adoption after the first fell through, and they were asking for so many details about her health and the delays. Their prompting and timeline is what propelled us to keep pushing for a diagnosis.

We waited a month for the results of the tests, all the while, keeping busy with therapies and adoption legalities. It was during this time that we found out that the same family member that had opposed our adoption would oppose this adoption effort again, even though there had been no word from this person for almost a year. Our recent efforts to have dialog with this person went unacknowledged again. It was heart breaking and yet not a huge surprise. We had prayed for peace for this person and a healthy relationship, but we were coming to grips that this would not be the case.

A new hearing was set and all of a sudden our esteemed attorney, the best, was telling us she would not attend herself; she was going to send the next qualified attorney. I was not happy. All of a sudden we were getting emails that things were not expected to go well in court and we should anticipate a longer, drawn out process filled with depositions and evidence hearings and … I was sick. I didn’t know how to deal with this news. I took this news to my prayer warriors, the same ladies that had been with me the moment I heard “adoption” and had prayed numerous times before. It was in my venting to these prayer warriors, that one of these ladies spoke up. She asked me to repeat the attorney’s name. She smiled. “That is my college roommate and good friend. I will make a call,” she said.

Delayed Joy: 21

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Sun, 03 Jan 2016 04:09:00 GMT

By the time we were celebrating a year with our girl, she had to have tubes put in her ears for chronic infections and hearing loss. After the surgery, we expected her to start making some progress with crawling and eating and sleeping and speech. We had assumed all of her delays were caused by the pressure in her head and the hearing loss. But after the surgery, although she was infection free for the first time without antibiotics, she was also not making the advances we had expected. A friend of mine suggested Early Intervention, a federal program, that had helped her premature twins who had suffered from gagging and oral aversions like Moriah. It took about a month to get assessed and then it took several visits to get told that Moriah indeed qualified for therapies. Moriah failed all of their tests except social. They commented, “she will get far with her dimples alone though.” She definitely won over everyone with her smile and personality but I was in shock at her results. I mean I knew she had some difficulties but some babies don’t crawl, right?! I just needed help with getting her to eat, I thought.

The therapies began, physical and two types of occupational. Immediately, the tools they taught Moriah and I helped with her crawling. They were figuring out sensory and spatial challenges. It seemed that Moriah’s gentle and dainty ways were now being attributed to a hesitancy to touch things. It was and is such a process. Everyday feels like I learn something new. One day she may avoid a certain texture and the next day love it. One day she may let me come close to her with food and the next day cry and avoid anything coming near her mouth. And sleep, well that was a mystery too. She could sleep sound one night (per week maybe) and be inconsolable for unknown reasons throughout the majority of nights.

A couple of months of progress later, the physical therapist told me she would really like Moriah to see a neurologist and get a bigger picture. She wrote up this long justification about Moriah’s reflexes and recommended a referral. Our pediatrician agreed and so we scheduled the visit. I didn’t know what to expect. But it was pretty non-descript. The neurologist ordered some initial bloodwork and asked a lot of pointed questions. I immediately began to look up some of the words he used to describe Moriah’s actions and realized we were probably dealing with something much bigger than I knew.

Now God is so cool! I mean I just get so excited when I think about how He gently provided for me during this time. Everyday He put new information in front of me and in only the ways He could orchestrate.

The day after Moriah’s neurology appointment I got an email about a seminar series. I honestly never open those seminar announcements, because are not in my research area of interest, but I did that day. And then I even looked up one of the topics out of the 12 talks. As I read, I followed a trail right where God was leading me, I believe, a path to genetics and diagnosis for Moriah.

The very next day, I took Moriah to her pediatrician for a routine well visit. He spent a lot of time with us and recommended genetic testing (he didn’t refer us at this time though). He even mentioned the syndrome I had read about the day before. I went home and read more on that syndrome. In the morning on the way to work, I stopped to get gas, and you wouldn’t believe who was at the pump ahead of me in line–the researcher who was presenting on the syndrome that I had only come across in those previous two days. Without much hesitation, I jumped out of my car and introduced myself and asked him about the syndrome. He was so kind and gave me some contacts and positive feedback. As soon as I got to work, I emailed one of the contacts, the founder of the syndrome, who just happened to be two floors down from my lab. He replied immediately and asked to see my daughter the next day.

Surrendered Joy: 20

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Wed, 30 Dec 2015 13:11:00 GMT

We were beginning a new season. If the last season was “joyful expectancy”, this new period was “pained waiting.” In both seasons, we have drawn closer to God than I ever imagined and learned a level of faith and trust as we continued to relinquish control and surrender to God’s plans.

Your love is like radiant diamonds
Bursting inside us we cannot contain
Your love will surely come find us
Like blazing wild fires singing Your name

God of mercy sweet love of mine
I have surrendered to Your design
May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Halleluiahs be multiplied

Yes, we had surrendered our expectations, our plans before, when we accepted God’s invitation to follow him into Adoption. And boy had he delivered, beyond our best dreams. Now we were surrendering our plans again as we waited on His answers to prayerful concerns of losing our girl.

I don’t think it is necessary to go into all the details. But the following months went something like this:

Hearing 1, 2months after birth: We were not invited because we were “not a party”, so we sat nervously waiting for a call to tell us that the opposing member had been given a court appointed attorney and would be able to contest the adoption formally. We just had to accept this and pray.

Before the next hearing we composed a letter of good faith and well-meanings and shared it. We wrote, “…We have prayed for her for years. God has truly answered our prayers, and there is no doubt in our minds that she is the daughter God chose for us. We believe that all of this is God’s plan. Even this, as hard as it is. We know that something great will come of this. Hopefully in the relationship we all have. When we decided to go through the adoption process, our intent was never to remove a child from her biological family. We believe that we are able to provide her with two parents that will give her every opportunity to feel loved and know her worth and identity. We are so thankful that you have made your love and desire for her known. And that we will be able to share your love with her openly.” We went on to offer communication, visitation, photos, family… There was no reply.

Hearing 2, 4months after birth: Again, we were not permitted to attend and discouraged from trying. 1 day before the hearing we were told the court appointed attorney had made some bold moves, changing the hearing to a custody plea. There was little time to gather our thoughts but we called in our prayer warriors. We took the day off with our girl and waited with her, expecting a phone call. Instead our attorney came to our house. Was he going to take her? I had the biggest hold of her as he explained that things did not go well, that he had “never before had an adoption follow the path this one has.” He confessed how scared he was due to details I probably best not retell. But he would later tell us again how unprecedented this was. We nearly lost our girl that day if it had not been for the wonderful action our attorney put into play that day. I would later call other attorneys to start the next horrible phase of fighting for our girl, and they would tell me how, “genius” he was for his quick actions. We know he followed how the Holy Spirit guided him and we believe prayers were being answered.

Soon after: We were put into contact with a new attorney, the best in the state for contested adoptions, we were told. She praised the attorney who saved us days before and set out a plan for the coming trials. The plan: WAIT! We would wait! And then we would try again. The ball was not in our court.

Months and months went by. Nothing. No action by the family member that had contested our adoption. Not a request for visitation or photo, not a reply to our letter. We just kept loving our girl. And praying. And trusting. And then we got the go ahead one month before our daughter turned a year old. We would try to proceed with the adoption again. The ball maybe rolled over to our court slowly. We picked it up. We had to jump through a few more hoops before we could serve the ball. We would have to go through all the background checks and fingerprints and home study again. But we were moving in a positive direction.

We celebrated our girl turning 1 with treasure chests for our treasured girl and pirates and mermaids for all the family and friends that came. We celebrated this milestone, all while we were being clued in that Moriah was not meeting developmental milestones.

While waiting for adoption headway, we were waiting for our girl to crawl and eat without vomiting and… We were beginning yet another trial that had it’s own message of Joy.

Homeward Joy:19

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Mon, 21 Dec 2015 13:18:00 GMT

After the news we got about a family member “possibly” contesting the adoption, we only had hours to decide if that would change our plans to take Moriah home the next morning. Actually that thought did not even occur to us until much later, when we thought back on if we should have done things differently. But those thoughts always prayerfully confirmed we were supposed to take her home and how she would have probably gone into the state system and foster care. We know without a doubt she is home where she was always meant to be.

We did ask questions but there were little answers, and with the holiday weekend (Memorial Day) we would likely not hear if that possibility was even likely for days. We were assured that it was more unlikely that papers were filed. We didn’t think much about it honestly. We were told that this person knew about the baby for quite a while and never made any requests or intentions known, despite being asked. We would later see that our attempts to communicate would yield the same quiet response.

Fortunately we spent the last remaining hours with the birth mama, assuring us that she picked us and wanted us to parent her daughter. She would confirm this over and over again the next tortuous months.

So we (birth mama, Tony and I) embraced each other and made our tearful promises to love our daughter forever. There were declarations of gratitude and love that came straight from the depths of our hearts. And we said good-bye. But we knew we would stay in touch. In fact, we wrote emails everyday for a while, then weekly, now monthly. We still send pictures. And we even met one day at her home for a very sweet visit, in the midst of court hearings and document signings. She loved seeing how “bonded” we were to our girl and her to us. And we loved her commitment to the dreams of the family she chose.

So we signed all the papers our adoption agency had for us and drove our baby girl home, to where our boys and my mom(Nana) were anxiously waiting with pink balloons. My grandparents were also excited to be visiting for Memorial Day, and even paused the Indy500 race to greet us with joy.

It was quite a joyful occasion. The boys were beyond enthusiastic to love on the sister they had anticipated and prayed for. It was one of the happiest memories I have stored in my brain.

It would be several days until we found out that our adoption was not going to be easy. I choose my words carefully here, because this wasn’t “the worst,” “most horrifying” “nightmare come true” type of finding. Maybe we were naive at this point and didn’t realize just how we could have lost her, but I like to think we knew God’s plans were better all along and so we didn’t panic. Just yet anyway.

Stealing Joy:18

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 01:55:00 GMT

That icky feeling in my gut is returning as I think about our final 24 hours in the hospital. We had kept the baby all night so birth mama could rest with the instructions to her and the nurses to just let us know if she wanted us to come anytime. The nurses didn’t come get us though. When we went to see birth mama in the morning, she was upset that she couldn’t find us in the night and wanted the baby. It felt heartbreaking to us that we didn’t know. The nurses decided for themselves that they weren’t going to help her. I felt sick. It wasn’t the first time I had seen or heard the nurses pass judgement. I tried my hardest to get them to see how giving and loving she was but some of them would not try to see her. I think they thought they were making it better for everyone by keeping the baby with us, but the social workers would later explain that this 48hours was very important for birth mom to have this time. There are books devoted to this and yet I am giving it just a paragraph in our story.

Tons of emotions were flooding me. I was sad for birth mom and frustrated that we appeared to hijack the baby. I was mad that the nurses made decisions for everyone. I felt alone without the social workers (they had gone home for the night). And I was torn because I knew we had to stay with the baby in some capacity as birth mama was admittedly on so much pain medicine that she couldn’t hold the baby. And you see, birth mama didn’t have anyone there with her through the night (and all this next day either actually). She had begged her boyfriend to come back but he didn’t. He had a lot of reasons why but I could tell they were not sitting well with birth mama. I don’t think I would have handled it as well as she did. Have I mentioned how strong this lady is.

Well, the emotions were intense, and got more so as baby stayed with birth mom with no help. The comfort with each other we shared yesterday was missing. I was not invited to help this time but she had no one else to help. I felt HELPLESS. To make things more emotional, the night nurse, before going off duty, told us that birth mom had asked to be discharged and so we should get to go home a day early. With that news, I called our social worker, who needed to make the long drive back to tend to this new development. When she got there, she went directly to see birth mama and talk her out of early discharge. I trust she knew what was best for everyone, but I have to tell you it made that day even more challenging. The roller coaster of emotions sounds cliche but my stomach was doing flips.

I hadn’t seen the baby in hours and was feeling like an outsider. It was the craziest flip and I wasn’t dealing with it well. Before I could have a meltdown, Tony got me out of the hospital for a couple hours. We got a call from the social worker that we should come back and help with the baby. I put on a brave smile and when we got back to our room, the social worker and the director of our agency were there with even more news that I didn’t understand…news that would keep us on edge for over a year…news that has kept fear too close…news that a biological family member may be protesting the adoption.

I was so ready for the next morning to hurry up, so I could take my baby home.

Yet, I look back at those 24 hours and they were just a preview of some of the anxious waiting we would endure in the next period of our lives. There have been many moments where we could feel the enemy physically trying to steal our joy, trying to overcome us with fear and doubts, distrust and blame…and anger. Yes, we did have opposition to our adoption. We have had to deal with legal issues and red tape since that moment. The cool thing about it, was feeling the presence of Jesus throughout it all. I was learning to discern truth from the attacks of the enemy and I was learning to call out to Jesus to battle the devil for me. I am not a fighter, people! I am a lover! And the battle is not mine (2Chronicals 20:15); He would remind me over and over. And He would remind me about this journey that we had been on together, with God writing this story. How could I doubt that our girl was right where she was supposed to be and that she was indeed the daughter He chose for us and us for her? Yes He would remind me of this a lot and give me the strength and fight.

Diaper Joy: 17

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 13:35:00 GMT

While the social worker and I were making sure birth mama was better, nurses were preparing to move her to a recovery room. They wheeled her down the hall to get some rest and moved us another direction. I thought we would be spending the next two days in the waiting room, in an uncomfortable chair at best. But the nurses prepared a room for us. It was such a huge blessing. They were so super to us. We even had a bed and a rocker. And even better–we had our daughter.

We hadn’t expected this. Because birth mama needed to rest, we got to care for our sweet girl. We got to hold her, feed her, bond with her, and even change her diapers. I know that sounds like something some people might want to pass on, but I was sooooo blessed to change her first (and second) diaper. I had never changed my boys’ diapers in the hospital because I had just been through cesareans. I was eating up these moments of pure joy. Diaper joy! I was enjoying every sober moment. God was helping me to notice these small but significant moments of gratitude.

That day, we were high on life. We phoned and texted photos home to our boys and parents and friends. We admired our newborn daughter. We called her by the name we chose for her, Moriah Joy. We loved on her, sang to her, dressed her in pink… You know!

Every hour or so, I would wheel her to birth mama’s room. She would hold her, love on her, brag on her (well-deserving), listen to us brag on her. This was going great! Birth mama would make sure the pediatrician and nurses included us in everything. She would make sure we dressed her in the outfit and swaddle she had bought for her. She would pose for pictures and videos for keepsakes. That time was precious. The social workers stayed all day and helped make the visits even more comfortable.

It wasn’t until the next morning that things would take a turn.

Tearful Joy: 16

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 19:44:00 GMT

Tony had been waiting patiently when I messaged him that he could join us in the delivery room. He knocked and I let him in. He greeted everyone and then approached the warming bed where his newborn daughter lay. She barely peaked out of her swaddle and hat, freshly covered in eye ointment. I lifted her up to his arms. As soon as Tony started to speak sweetly to his baby girl, the birth mom began sobbing. It seemed her excitement and strength had broken down. She sounded so broken. So hurt. Through the painful sobs, I could hear her say, “I can’t do this” as she leaned on her boyfriend.

Oh, how I would wish we could re-do that moment. But I believe God has redeemed that time and will complete the healing of the wounds that caused such hurt. That’s what God does! I pray for this healing and redemption. I believe in it.

I didn’t want to hear her cry. I loved this lady and I was causing her pain. Tony and I looked at each other in agreement and placed our innocent baby back in her wheeled crib and told them we were going to give them some time. We could not make out the distressed words through the emotional, loud tears, as we exited the room.

Well, that was not expected. And we have never spoken about that moment again. I can only imagine that it must have been difficult to see two people who love each other very much, in a stable marriage and family, holding her baby that she so much wanted, but yet felt she could not provide family and stability. One day I hope the birth mom will be able to verbalize those emotions and explain how she was delivered from the pains of her own father and desires for her children to have a father. I pray, that even right now, she is knowing the love of her heavenly father. Won’t you pray with me for this sweet, amazing lady.

I don’t know what they were saying in that delivery room when we left. I didn’t want to think about those feelings. I didn’t want to think about the possibility of a change of heart and mind. What I had learned after the brief six weeks of getting to know the birth mom, is that she had often times expressed her wishes for her baby and then in the very next breath stated her desire for her to be in our family. She would often follow a statement that caused me to hold my breath in fear of her changing her mind with an expression like, “I can’t wait to see your boys with her.” I would think about all of this and reassure myself many times; she loves our family for her daughter. She still loves our family.

Tony and I went back to the waiting room and filled in the social worker. After about thirty minutes or so, the social worker– who still hadn’t seen the birth mom or baby, decided we could try to get some food for the very hungry mama. I went with her. I think I was pretty anxious to make sure she was okay and see if we were needed and where we fit into the picture these next two days. I didn’t write down many details of this part. Have you ever been in a situation like this, where you feel out of place, like you are imposing, and yet you have a critical role? You just don’t know what it is exactly , so you kinda stand back, arms crossed, awkwardly smiling with lips closed? Well, that was how I handled it for the next several minutes. I wasn’t sure when I could hold the baby and when to nurture the mama. But I was so grateful to have the social workers there, leading the way. They had built a special relationship with both the birth mother and her boyfriend and definitely brought a comfort to us all.

Let me just add that in all the emotion and commotion, birth mama still had the heart and generosity to include me in everything, including getting a copy of the baby’s footprints and even ankle band. She insisted on two of everything so she and I could both keep one. If that doesn’t just warm your heart and bring you to tears… Amazing lady!

Please pray for her! Pray that she knows that she is loved! Pray that she knows her worth in Christ! Pray as you feel led. Her life is very important to us. Right now! Not just in the coming years when Moriah wants to know more. Right now! Thank you.

Holding Joy: 15

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Sun, 19 Apr 2015 08:00:00 GMT

The doctor cut the umbilical cord of my newborn daughter and blood splattered all over me. It was quite something, because I am quite certain it hit no one else in the room but me and we were all crammed together. I am pretty sure there is some significance of this anointing, yet another confirmation of the bond I share with this baby and her birth mama.

A new nurse came in and I don’t think she knew our situation. She asked “Dad” to cut the cord. I watched as the birth mom’s boyfriend seemed proud to participate. I didn’t pout. I didn’t need that moment. It would be my turn to take care of her soon enough. I watched my daughter get cleaned up and weigh in at 8pounds 3ounces. What a healthy girl! I couldn’t stop commenting on how beautiful she was. Lots of jet black wavy hair, dark eyes, round cheeks and luscious lips, on a perfectly formed body with 10 fingers and 10 toes. LOOONG toes. Oh my goodness, precious baby girl parts. I admired her while the nurse handed her to the birth mom to cuddle and awe over.

Birth mama was so gentle, so loving, so sweet, so proud. She smiled as she cradled our girl, and then with the kindest smile and gentlest voice and purest intentions, she said to me, “The first person she’s gonna see is me and the second person she’s gonna see is you” and then she turned to our girl and told her, “you have two mommies.” What a love there!!! It may be difficult for you to imagine. I am trying to paint this image for you. There was no element of fear or jealousy. She delivered a message of pure joy and love. This lady who was giving me her daughter was putting her blessing on it. As if she hadn’t already done enough. She just kept giving. This kind of love makes me want to love better. Love so generously! Give so lavishly!

And then it was my turn to hold my daughter for the first time. She was so alert and wide-eyed at this moment. She stretched out; stuck her tongue out (imagine that; I know right–if you have seen her many photos, that tongue is out), looked all around and settled into my arms. My moments seemed brief but intentionally so. I knew that this was her time. Mine would come later. It was my turn to share and give.

The birth mom seemed to look longingly at her boyfriend to hold the baby. There might have been some fleeting moments of fear (on my part) that she would change her mind if he had embraced fathering this child. I might even believe that if he had agreed to raise her as his own, she would have kept the baby right then and there. The emotion in the room was getting even more intense. And it was about to peak.

The boyfriend seemed to give in to the sweet pleas of the birth mom and he held our girl in his arms. Birth mama seemed relieved and then almost ready to move on. She was tired. They were tired. They talked about needing rest and food, so I took the opportunity to ask if my husband could come in. I should have sensed the hesitation and reluctant concession. I wanted Tony to meet his daughter and everything seemed to be going so well. There wasn’t a rule book to follow or a map of how the next 48 hours were supposed to happen. That would have been nice. Instead we were preparing for some tough moments of raw emotion.

Birthday Joy: 14

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Thu, 16 Apr 2015 15:01:00 GMT

I awoke at 4:30am the next day, praying for the birth mother. I hated to think about her getting the procedure I knew the doctors were planning (membrane stripping) and then a possible weekend of painful contractions. I must have fallen back to sleep though because at 5:30am, our social worker’s name was glowing on my phone. Shaking my sleeping husband, I jumped up and answered. It was time!

She told us to make our way to the hospital, that the birth mom had been admitted and would have the baby today. I knew that 4:30 wake up was not coincidence. Maybe I was so connected to the birth mom that I felt her pains. But more likely, God woke me to pray for her. I believe he calls us to intercede. This has always been confusing to me because I know He doesn’t need my prayers. But it sure brings joy when I am able to pray for someone and then see God’s hand at work in that situation. I encourage you to let God stir your heart about someone, let him wake you in the middle of a nice sleep…and then respond in prayer.

Well, I called my mom to set our plan into action, as she would come and get the boys to school and care for them while we were gone. I told her to take her time as Tony and I weren’t really wanting to hurry to wait, in a possible awkward situation. Soooo, we took our time getting ready, even helping get the kids ready for school. Just twenty minutes out of town (still well over an hour before we would arrive at the hospital), we got a call telling us that the birth mom was pushing. My heart sank at the thought of missing her birth. Peace immediately swept over us, despite the longing to be there. I can only explain this as God’s peace, because I had high hopes of being there. But the desire to feel at peace and choose joy overcame. She was going to be here! Finally! We would be holding our daughter soon.

And yet another miracle happened. Ten minutes from the hospital, the social worker called to tell us to HURRY. The baby had not been born yet. Everything was fine, but we were given instructions on the quickest route to the delivery room. We were told that the birth mom was waiting until I was there. I might have cried. I am pretty sure I was shaking. I was so excited. Tony pulled up to the curb and let me out. He would park the car and then wait patiently in the waiting room with the social worker while I got to witness our daughter’s birth. He kissed my cheek and nodded in approval as I ran towards the hospital doors. I had the best husband in the world!

When I walked into the delivery room where I had been directed, the birth mom looked radiant. She glowed. And she smiled. She was excited, yet calm. She was ready. She had been ready. But she insisted I be there and would not deliver without me there. What an amazing bond we felt! She was already giving me this priceless gift and now she was just spoiling me, lavishing more of everything she could offer.

We hugged and talked about the last few hours. I introduced myself and hugged her boyfriend (not the birth father); he was there to support her. She did not have anyone else there. She and her boyfriend had moved from their home state just months before. It might have been awkward for a few moments but I remember feeling so much love for these two. I am pretty sure every expression in my eyes showed them that too. The doctor came into the room and introduced me. All the staff seemed to know who I was and made me feel comfortable. They allowed me to stand next to the birth mom and video the delivery…which was AWESOME! I had never seen my boys born, as I had to have cesareans with them all. There had always been a surgical drape preventing me from witnessing the births of my children.

As instructed, birth mama pushed to the count of 10 three times in one contraction. A stern nurse told her to push harder. And wouldn’t you know, she was able to take her directions and delivered sweet baby girl during that second 10 count! It was amazing! I have never seen anything so beautiful and strong and told her how great she did. She cheered herself on, “I KNOW!” She was proud. She should have been. I enjoyed that moment so much. I enjoyed bragging on her and she seemed more confident and courageous than ever.

The next few moments would be a little chaotic as all the attention focused to the baby that just entered the world. I am choking up as I write this. Our sweet girl came out crying and looking so perfect, despite the meconium that covered her face. She had her arm wrapped around the umbilical cord and appeared so strong. She was placed on her birth mom’s chest to be admired. She was. She was loved. There was so much joy and positivity in the room. There were no tears…yet.

Gestational Joy: 13

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Mon, 13 Apr 2015 04:00:00 GMT

I was glad that our daughter was not born prematurely. However I was getting grumpy waiting to meet my precious. I wish I didn’t have to report this, but in all honesty, I was a hot mess. Since we were told she would probably deliver early, we had unhealthy expectations. And by we, I mean “I”. It was all me. I seriously started to fray at the edges. I had set arbitrary dates in my head that would be cool for her birth. May 14 ^th , the date I thought would be neat (sharing the 14 ^th with Jude, since Isaac and Sy share 13s) and realistic(full moon), passed. And when her due date, May 21 ^st, passed without baby too, I was stressing out. In fact, as the dates came and went, I really was losing my excitement and gaining fear, fear that she wouldn’t come at all. There was no real foundation for this fear, just a weak inner voice that I bought into. Instead of holding onto the promises, I was believing lies.

We had a lot of illness go through the house too. Our family had a horrible GI bug and I got a strange, long-lived (two weeks) laryngitis that needed antibiotics. Then our agency told us we had to start repeating some of our home study documents, including all of our physicals because they had expired. I was not happy about that. I tried to talk myself into finding my joy again. I knew very well that Satan was trying to steal my joy and I knew God was allowing it for something greater, but my attitude and sulking didn’t reflect my faith. I moped around, mad that I had to continue to go to work, when I only wanted to be with my baby. I felt like I was failing this small trial. And I was making up this trial altogether when actually it was just normal gestational preparations. Fear crept in that something was wrong and there could be difficulty at birth. I took off work on the 20 ^th and prayed and worshipped and tried to snap out of my funk. I begged for the Lord’s peace. And he kept showing me His presence. Every prayer was answered. My friend rushed our physicals, another friend called me in a prescription so I could be well, and all along I kept reaching out to friends that would pray. So many people were praying for our baby and her birth-mom and us. SO MANY people loved her before she was born.

On the 22 ^nd , my sister-in-law texted me to see how I was holding up. Trying to come up with something positive, I replied. And as I typed the words, the realization hit me. I really think the Holy Sprit actually took over my typing fingers and spelled it out for me. “ This period of waiting had allowed the birth mom and I to form a relationship.” This would be huge. It was huge. I hadn’t even realized it until that moment (and I wouldn’t see it for all it’s worth until months later). We both genuinely cared for one another. In fact, I felt very motherly towards her. And I think she thought a lot of me as a mother; she had even given me some precious gifts for Mother’s Day that I keep out on display all year round. And I knew that period of waiting had really made that possible. I felt my excitement and joy return.

That evening the social worker called to tell me how the birth mom’s ultrasound and doctor appointment went. She said the baby’s heart beat was strong and she was ready, sleeping the whole ultrasound in preparation for the birth. The birth mom was contracting most of the time and being monitored. But they didn’t keep her at the hospital. They sent her home to rest and return in the morning to get help moving things along medically. We should have a baby sometime during the weekend–the Memorial Day Weekend.

Shopping Joy: 12

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 08:00:00 GMT

We were told the birth mom had a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions and even went to the hospital because she thought she was in labor. There was a lot of reason to believe she was going to be born before that May 21st due date. Those details aren’t necessary for the story but know that both the birth mother and social worker believed we would be seeing an April baby. And because one of my friends had been called suddenly when her baby was born early and needed to be hospitalized for a while, I felt like I needed to be ready if she was born early and hospitalized. Sooooooo, my mom and I did a little shopping. I had been waiting for that. During the years of knowing we would have a daughter, I really fought the urge to shop for baby girl things. Every once in a while, I would find a good deal on necessities, so I had purchased a car seat, one nursery decor item and a pack-n-play (where we would lay her for changing and sleeping until our friends passed down their crib and changing table). My mom had been waiting for this day too. She had already put a swing in lay away and bought some gowns.

How happy was I?! Extreme bliss filled my trunk in the form of diapers, wipes, onesies, blankets, bottles and anything else PINK.

And of course, I washed and packed all that sweet pink, for the hospital, which was nearly 2 hours from our home. I was well prepared for her to come early, although I prayed she would be full-term.

Around this time, some of our sweet friends threw a surprise shower for Tony and I. My friends also generously donated items for an impromptu garage sale we held to raise a few bucks toward adoption fees. We had paid about a quarter of the costs and the rest would be due when we took our baby home. So we were scrounging pennies. But our friends were amazing. They were totally in it and believing with us that we would be bringing her home soon. And we were so glad to have these amazing friends walking with us. We had told so few people still, so their support felt like everything. When they would talk about us getting the baby, they would say, “we”; “when we have our baby…” (And she is still everybody’s girl.)

And that is how our Joy was becoming joy to all; how our faith and story really started to bless others. As we shared more of our faith journey, others embraced this dream and answers to prayer into their own lives. Moriah Joy’s coming home seemed to be a modern day miracle that everyone could believe in. And the strength and encouragement that these friends would impart would be so important for me as the final days before her birth would would weigh heavily on me.

Kissable Joy: 11

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 08:00:00 GMT

On April 10, 2014, we drove two hours to meet the birth mother at the pregnancy center where she has been receiving care and counseling. We got there first. I was nervous. I sat at attention. Tony looked relax, sprawling out almost in his chair. How could he be so chill? The night before, our social worker had told us how important it would be for Tony to talk (he was usually pretty quiet) because the birth mother was really looking for a daddy for her child. And sure enough, as soon as she walked into the room, her eyes locked in on Tony and she hung on his every word and expression. It was very endearing. I could see that she had the best intentions for her daughter. She wanted to know how Tony would raise a girl differently than his boys. She wanted to hear the love in his voice. She had very thoughtfully chosen some difficult questions. But Tony was never flustered. He spoke from his heart and revealed his passion for all his kids.

In our first moments together, her bubbly personality clicked with mine. The social worker was right; she was very “sweet.” She started talking about how her daughter should be born a Gemini (May 21-June 20) and that she liked that because she also was a Gemini. I told her I was too and she seemed please. We continued to have small talk about her due date and the possibility of her arriving early. She was really excited to show us pictures of her recent ultrasound (just 2 days before). It was so exciting to us too. We didn’t expect her to have a picture for us. This was an early sign of just how giving this sweet mama was.

I commented on what a great “kisser” baby girl had. Those sure looked like some kissable lips. She commented that she also had big lips and that baby appeared to have her “butt” chin. I told her that Tony has that same chin cleft. And she pointed out her chubby cheeks, which matched me and the boys perfectly too.

We seemed to be getting along so well. It was very easy to talk to each other. And even during the serious conversations, we fell in love with this lady. We could see how she had dreams for her daughter, that she wanted to provide the best she could for her girl. It was so easy to love this woman. We got to have a nice lunch together after our formal meeting because things went so well. We even posed together for a keepsake photo.

She was sweet. She was open and honest. And she was thoughtful and generous.

She invited us to the birth and shared her name selection with us. She even asked our opinion on the spelling. We also expressed to her how much thought and heart we had put into the name we selected. We had a nice open discussion about our hope for her to continue to express her emotion and share letters so that our daughter could know as much about her birth family as possible. She showed us a photo of the birth father and other important family members. We agreed that we never want our daughter to feel a void/an emptiness from not knowing. This open adoption would allow her to have identity and know how loved she was and is. I could tell that our agency had really done a great job counseling this amazing lady. She had thought a lot about everything. And she was strong and never cried while she was with us. She had given a lot of thought to her decisions. She wanted a family and stability for her child. She was excited about all the protective brothers she would soon have. And the acceptance she would have with us as her family.

Chosen Joy: 10

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Fri, 03 Apr 2015 08:00:00 GMT

We had been told that our home study would be good for a year and the portfolio we had created with love would be presented to birth mothers if we fit some of the criteria. We knew from following the attorneys, that sometimes that criteria was very specific. It had been eye opening to see so many people turned away from a possible baby because they didn’t meet the race, age, religion or marital status that the birth mother had chosen. My heart often broke for those that longed for their baby, those willing to go to incredible costs and distance to meet their child. I found myself praying for lots of people I didn’t know, who just desired to fill their home with a child. I still get incredibly emotional thinking of their wait and their journey in faith.

On April 3, 2014 at 9:06pm, we got that call. THE call! We had been chosen by a birth mother. When my cell phone rang that night, while watching TV with my husband and oldest son Isaac, I didn’t recognize the phone number. I answered anyway. It was the social worker from our adoption agency. My heart jumped. I mouthed to Tony, “BABY”. I knew before she told me.

I put her on speaker phone and she proceeded to tell us about a “situation”. I couldn’t believe it when she started; she told us a baby girl was due on May 21 ^st ! Automatically I knew that was our girl. That is the date I used to always say I wanted a little girl (back before our youngest boy was born), because we have four friends with that birthdate, and they are all the sweetest people ever. I literally used to say ” I want a baby girl born on May 21st”. It is a little embarrassing to admit that I would make such a statement. But like the rest of this blog, I am pouring out my deepest, most private thoughts and fears. And through this I have learned that God loves to take those weaknesses and nuances and own them, make them His, make them Good. He chose this detail, to make it part of her story, to show how much he listens and cares, I do believe!

Then the social worker told us about the birth mom. How she originally wanted a family with one child, but she lit up when she read our book because she “knew she would be the princess” in our boy dominant family. How right she was! When I made that book, that is the exact sentiment I wanted her to feel. The social worker went on to tell us about her prenatal care and medical choices. She told us that we would like her birth mom because she is “sweet”. We set up time to meet the birth mother for a week later. I had been waiting a long time for this call, but that next week seemed like an eternity…

Gentle Joy: 9

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 00:00:00 GMT

Six months after we were on an “official” waiting list for adoption, we had heard NOTHING. It was now January 2014. We knew in our hearts she was coming that year. So as soon as 2014 rang in, the anxiety did too I think.

One January Friday morning on my drive into work, I saw someone on the corner of the street holding a sign for a bicycle shop. Instantly I thought of how nice it would be to get a fresh sign from God about our daughter’s coming. I don’t think I really asked Him. I just expressed how nice it would be. See we all believed she was coming soon, and I had held to God’s prophetic word through Sy, that in June she would be born. But it had been quiet. That was actually probably a good thing that we are not barking up the wrong trees, you know. You know how good our God is!? He sent me a sign the next morning. My stepmom sent me a video of a couple who received twin baby girls three years after they received a prophetic word about baby girls. They held on to the promise and believed God’s word would hold true in His timing. Those girls were born into a family of four adult brothers on Christmas morning, as they unwrapped baby girl clothes given to them years earlier by friends that were believing in God’s prophecy of twin girls. And so I too, “BELIEVE!”

Just after I finished showing my husband Tony the video, I got my coffee and sat down with my boy Sy, now 7 years old. I asked him, “Have you had any God conversations lately?” He immediately replied that they “talked about Moriah last night.” Sy went on to relay what God told him, “If she comes in the middle of the year, she will be perfect.” I was blown away, by God’s message. I don’t know why He cared so much that we know her timing, but I firmly believed that her timing must be very important to Him and His plan. It made my heart so happy. There was so much peace. I pondered and journaled, “Could he possibly care, because I care so much, because He made me in His image? Could my likeness to Him be so evident in my planning and attention to time? I dare not doubt it. I embrace these gifts He is giving.”

Sy went on to say that God wants us to “be gentle.” Well, that is the word I had been hearing from God since Jan 1, when I made my resolution to be more gentle. In fact I have been praying Philippians 4: Let my gentleness be evident to all. You are in me Lord. I will not be anxious about anything, but with prayer and repetition, with thanksgiving, I will present my request to you, God. Your peace which passes all understanding will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I will think about all that is good and right, noble, pure, lovely and admirable. Psalms 37: I will delight in you, Lord. Give me your heart’s desires.”

***In the days leading up to this post, so many people have commented to me about how “gentle” Moriah is. I don’t think that is a coincidence at all. People are so in love with her sweet, gentle spirit. She really is such a joy.

Logistical Joy: 8

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 04:00:00 GMT

Once Tony was as sure as I, we started preparing a room for our daughter. We still had not even made one application but we were preparing something we knew we could handle. The kids loved painting her room. I loved buying lacy curtains and “girly” prints. But it was time to get to business too. I had embraced the joy of the journey but we struggled with connecting that to the logisitics of adoption.

We attended a workshop for adoption, where we heard from families that had adopted through a variety of means. And we took those thoughts and made the calls to the agencies and state departments. We visited websites and read blogs. The road seemed so wide and I needed the path to narrow a little. There were so many options for us but there were road blocks too. Some agencies we called told us up front we would never place with them because we had three biological children. It stung, because I honestly did not want to take a child from a couple that was starting their family. For this very reason, I think I was more comfortable with international adoption. I cannot fully put it into words. I think that part of my emotion still stays tucked in my heart. I read a lot stories that brought up a lot of emotion. God bless those that cross the sea and borders to bring home their child. It is a very emotional process. And I really thought that was where we were headed. But Tony felt otherwise. He reminded me how much we love babies; that it was worth it for us to try to adopt an infant. He signed us up for classes to adopt through the state through fostering. And then a week before the classes, we knew fostering was not for us. God bless those that foster. Those parents bare special talents and burdens and we knew it was not for us, or our boys. What was for us? We didn’t seem to have a plan at all.

The book I was reading by Bob Goff named Love Does had this to say, “God asks us what it is He made us to love, what it is that captures our attention, what feeds that deep indescribable need of our souls to experience the richness of the world He made. And then, leaning over us, He whispers, ‘Let’s do that together’…it’s not all planned out for us either, and that’s where most people get too nervous to take the next step. But know this: when Jesus invites us on an adventure, He shapes who we become with what happens along the way.”

I know he made us to love our sweet child that was growing in our hearts. I felt so excited to be on this journey with God and to find and love her forever. I didn’t want my plans. I wanted his.

It would be many more months before we saw parts of the plan transpire. All the while, these sentiments were echoed in my journal: “Our Joy will be the result of faithful trusting acceptance of God’s will. Joy is the daughter of calm. Our God is so good and He loves us so very much. Until he speaks more, we are reading as much as we can and preparing in every way we can. We don’t want to rush this perfect and ordained meeting of our hearts. Soon enough, baby girl!”

We finished our home study in July 3013 after going through months of trainings and visits and deciding to work with the agency Christian Family Services. When we chose them, it was mainly just a feeling. I probably hadn’t asked them near the questions I should have. What I did know was that the private adoption attorneys I followed made adoption seem like a business and I often became frustrated with the process, even though we never applied with them. And although a few people we knew recommended another agency in Tampa, we were drawn to the local Christian agency. Their website showed their belief in the Holy Spirit’s prompting and God’s timing and things that mattered to us the most. It was after we had turned in our initial application that we met the staff and saw pictures of babies that had been placed and learned more about this agency. They had been in business out of a local church for 35 years. They handed us a newsletter that showed families just like ours and made us feel more comfortable about our choices. You see, it sometimes has crossed my mind that we might be selfish for wanting to adopt a baby that could go to a family that cannot have babies. But God doesn’t see us like that. I think He sees our family as a great place to be and wants to bless a baby with our family. And seeing pictures of a military family with four boys by birth and two daughters by adoption was so refreshing to me. The attorney’s posts gave me a similar view. He was honest to post some details of applicants and who the birth mother picked. And about half of the applicants looked like us: 30-40’s with a few kids; the other half was without other children. It seems silly to me now that I needed this kind of confirmation, when I had God’s appointment from the beginning, but He has continued to pour out His guidance and approval.

Sometimes in the midst of the waiting, I would start to get antsy but then I would remember that God had planned this entire thing out and he wasn’t going to let us miss any of it. We knew we were certainly on our way to meeting our daughter.

Naming Joy: 7

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Sat, 28 Mar 2015 12:00:00 GMT

So Tony was slower to get on board, as usual. That has always been a good dynamic in our relationship. I am quick to leap but can fade out and even waver. Tony is slow to step but then is locked in for the long haul. And so once he was all in, thumbs up, checkbook out… we began the process. Which is good, because I already had a name for her and was picking out nursery decor. Sigh. Smile.

Yes, I knew Joy would be her name, of course, it made sense. And then an amazing message from Pastor Denny Heiberg at our church really spoke to me. It was about a bible story I was very familiar with and yet so many new things stood out that day. Denny spoke about Abraham and Isaac trusting God and being obedient on Mt. Moriah (Genesis 22). Do you know the story? God asks his friend Abraham to sacrifice his son, that God promised and gifted him in the first place, at a ripe, old age. It had to be the most difficult thing ever, but Abraham and Isaac obeyed. Then God, seeing his obedience on that mountain, provided a ram for the offering instead. That sacred place, where God was honored was given a special meaning by Abraham “The Lord will Provide.” Moriah means “God sees us and provides.” I knew it when I heard it out loud. He has seen us and he has promised to provide. Moriah Joy! That sounded perfect! And meant everything.

I felt obsessed with her name for an entire week. It was all I could think about. As we drove to church the next Sunday, I apologized to God for focusing on this seemingly trivial detail, when there was so much else going on (everywhere). I really felt like I had spent too much time thinking about this name and not enough time focusing on real issues. And yet again, God spoke right to my heart through our pastor. Rick started his message with a story of adoption. He received an announcement that said “Introducing ( some boy’s name) ” and he pondered why the announcement wasn’t, “the adoption is final” or “we finally got our boy” but it just showed his new name. And then he said, “You know what: A name is important. A new name signifies a new life”.

I felt like God was talking right to me. Just minutes before…I mean… Right!? Speechless!

Then Rick prayed for peace, freedom, and that we would know what to do and the courage to do it. Exciting! The rest of the sermon continued to speak to the promises God has for us all, with the story of Jacob’s name changing to Israel (Genesis 32) and overcoming the bad choices he had made when he asked for God’s blessings and help. Jacob prayed I am not worthy but need you. And he received many God encounters. Yep–I could relate. I was encountering God and definitely did not feel worthy.

Embracing Joy: 6

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Thu, 26 Mar 2015 21:55:00 GMT

In this time that I was learning patience and how to enjoy being in God’s presence, I was also watching a transformation happening in my husband; he was learning to embrace joy. He had seen the signs and heard the hearts of his children too. And he was getting his own messages that brought joy. He seemed more eager to open the word and go to church as if he also expected big stuff and even the daily reminders. There was good reason; we were getting these messages so frequently now. And our ears were open and expecting them. Some of the big moments that grabbed my husband’s attention came at church, watching movies with the kids and hearing his boys pray and discuss all their hopes of a sister. At church, Tony willingly prayed for his heart to align with God’s. It wasn’t something that came easily for him, but he knelt on the altar and asked how to obey and submitted to God’s will for His life. I remember thinking that even if we never saw a child come from this, that moment was enough for me. Does that hold any truth for you? I mean, I wanted a daughter, but seeing my husband saying He wanted God, was an even bigger desire. The journey could have stopped there and I would have been full of enough joy then. The thing is: I knew the journey was just starting. And I could hardly contain myself. And week after week, Sunday after sunday, Jesus met us at our church home and fed our spirits. Every message, every guest, every praise song felt like it was just for us. Now I might exaggerate slightly but do you see what I mean–we were feeling pretty special. I get that church doesn’t necessarily feed everyone’s soul the same, but there’s a pretty good chance you are going to hear from God when you enter a worship experience with him. If we were questioning adoption, a guest speaker talked about their adoption. If Tony and I were praying to be unified in this, the Sunday message (March 12, 2102) was on Unity (John 17:21-23).

But God meets us everywhere we are, not just at church. And we spend a lot of time with our kids. We noticed that we were picking up on the “adoption” theme when we watched movies with our kids. Jude said, “this movie is about adoption” after we watched Kung Fu Panda 2. And when Gru says “I am very excited about adopting” in Despicable Me, Tony and I looked at each other and smiled. This was actually the third time that day that the message was in our face and it just seemed to seal the deal. That night, it was almost as if anything left in Tony that fought this idea of adoption threw up his arms and relinquished itself. It sounds funny that a kids’ movie put him over the top, but there had been nearly a year of moments by this point in November 2012 now.

One of the big moments happened in May, earlier that year, when Sy was having a conversation with God. Sy not only prayed, he got in the habit of asking God about his life, including his future sister. He asked about what he would be when he grew up, why there were dinosaurs and the purpose of love bugs and he asked about his sister. He also got answers. He would tell us that she would “be born in June 2014, when {Sy is} 7” (she was born in May 2014; Sy was indeed 7. At the time of this, he was only 5 and I doubted he could have added that together in his head). He shared details of her appearance including her black hair. I recall the dramatic way Sy responded when he asked God for her name. He kept pausing and then said he couldn’t understand the language God was speaking, so he asked God to use his language, and then he looked at me and said, “God says we will find her name in the bible.” And then he asked, “What is Heaven like?” He waited for God’s answer and looked at me, confused. “God told me there is a disco party in heaven. What’s disco?” Well, I knew that Donna Summer and a BeeGee had just died. I bet there was some disco dancing in heaven then. But really-oh my goodness. Sy could not have known that and he clearly didn’t even know what disco was. I do believe that part of the conversation was to get the attention of us adult parents, who were probably not completely believing this whole conversation…until that.

But these moments, well, we clung to them. They felt like promises. We started to tell people. We were going to have a daughter. Anyways, Sy had been telling people for months that he was going to have a sister, even strangers he sat next to at a ball game or people that would ring the doorbell to sell things. His faith and passion were contagious. And so, we also started proclaiming it. “JOY!!!!!”

Fearing Joy: 5

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Tue, 24 Mar 2015 11:00:00 GMT

So God had been softly confirming that “adoption” was in His plan for my life. Everyday a scripture, a song, a story… There are so many that I simply cannot write them all. It was a year of stories! Confirmations! Living Word. But I will share a few that really encouraged me.

That Monday I read Psalm 10. Verse 17-18 reads “Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed, so mere people can no longer terrify them.” Awesome! Thanks, God. I tell you I needed his daily peace and comfort because the thought of my daughter being helpless and oppressed, hungry or neglected was not sitting well with me. The more I read about adoption, the scarier the road looked. But thankfully, God would keep calming me and reminding me how the fatherless are so special to Him, how He was already caring for her.

Another day that week I introduced myself to someone my mom knows at the hospital and he told me he was adopted along with his brother and wife. When I told my mom, she said she had known him for years and never heard that. I’m telling you, it was like I had a big sign over my head telling people to tell me about adoption. And rest assured I was telling no one of this yet, because, well, then we would be accountable and I was still doubting we would ever follow through. I know that sounds terrible but I still couldn’t wrap my brain around how we would do this. Tony and I were too controlling, planning, cheap, drama-free to introduce anything that would disrupt that lifestyle. But those were the limits that I set. And God is way bigger. And yes, he loves us that much, that he would gently, patiently transform us.

It took time, but we found ourselves prayerfully abandoning our control, our timing (over and over again). And with those, He also took our fears and burdens.

One night the fears and burdens weighed so heavily, I had a good cry. The next morning Tony woke me up reading our daily devotional as he did most mornings, so the first words I heard were Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning.” Tony’s eyes were huge. Sure felt like a big God hug to me. And it sure got Tony’s attention too. He couldn’t believe the timing of this needed message.

Then I got my email devotional from Ron Hutchcraft ministries that read “If you rush it, you ruin it.” And it was about Abram and Sarai taking God’s message to them into their own hands. And you know what, most of all my fears at that time were that we weren’t acting fast enough. I was afraid that we were supposed to be moving, even without knowing what direction. So this reminder to not rush without His direction helped a lot.

The next day, yet another message that spoke straight to this in our devotional Jesus Calling :

“I am with you and for you. When you decide on a course of action that is in line with My will, nothing in heaven or on earth can stop you. You may encounter many obstacles as you move toward your goal, but don’t be discouraged—never give up! With My help, you can overcome any obstacle. Do not expect an easy path as you journey hand in hand with Me, but do remember that I, your very-present Helper, am omnipotent.

Much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert My sovereignty is in the timing of events. If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence .”

Romans 8:31; Psalm 46:1-3; Luke 1:37

I was just in awe about God’s answers. Yes, that is what I would cling to the next year. Moment by moment, asking for His guidance and receiving His presence.

So I waited… I was never known as a patient person. But with the Lord’s help and just knowing that this was His will…I waited for her. I waited for God’s next move! And I am so glad I did. His timing and path were perfect.

“Adoption” Joy: 4

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Sun, 22 Mar 2015 18:00:00 GMT

In just a matter of days now, our hearts had been freed and yet felt heavy. The emotion was overwhelming. And the “signs” felt overwhelming. It seemed everywhere I looked, I saw adoption stories. On Facebook, someone posted their story, “His Plan, Our JOY” (hmmm. sounds exactly in line with my thoughts). On Pinterest, someone was pinning adoption sites for their growing family. This was only the beginning of the flood of “adoption” stories that would invade our comfortable life (more to come later).

I turned to the only person I felt I could talk to about these new feelings and questions. I had met her 10years before when I volunteered where she worked. She moved away, and 10 years later we were standing next to each other at church watching our sons (only a day apart in age) playing together and instantly reconnected. I called her on the phone and she told me about international adoption. Her son was from Ethiopia and they were in the process of adopting a daughter there as well. It was such a relief to talk to someone.

After we hung up, I prayed for God to speak clearly to Tony and I. I want to do what we were supposed to, not just what I wanted. I wanted what HE wanted. But I couldn’t help feeling so alive thinking about her, imagining “Isaac making her laugh and they both have beautiful smiles, Sy hugging on her with so much love and Jude following her endlessly; her shadow.” (I wrote that back in February 2012)

That same night I was going to a weekly class at my church to become a Stephen’s Minister. I had this fear that these new feelings stemmed from selfish desires for more. I had to know if it was me or God that wanted this. I really had never felt so strongly about something so quickly in my life and I had to make sure it was worth this amount of energy and emotion, and not some self-serving ideals. On the drive to the training, I asked God to please use the word “adoption” in my class for confirmation that we were supposed to be pursuing this. And I agreed not to pursue this if it was not confirmed. It felt so sudden, this longing in my heart. I apologized to God for needing this but honestly humbled myself to his power and attention and wisdom. When I got to class, Maggie (a sweet lady in my class that I later found out adopted her son) had inspirational mugs for us filled with Valentine chocolates. We could chose from blue “Believe”, lavender “Peace”, green “Hope” or pink “Joy”. Guess which one I got–JOY in pink (see my 1st post in this blog). I was emotional but didn’t explain why. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about these feelings yet. That night we were trained to help counsel those with depression. It was going to be a tall order for God to get the word
“adoption” in. And all through class, NO mention of adoption. I really thought I would be dropping this emotional distraction very soon. But then just before the end of class, Pastor Rick came in to meet us and pray with us. After we all made our introductions and Rick talked some, Maggie says to Rick, “Your father in law handled my son’s adoption.” I almost started crying right there. I am pretty sure I was shaking noticeably but played it off as my emotional self. I praised God then and the whole way home, thanking Him for loving me sooooo much. Until this time, I had never asked for a word like this and I have never again. It was one of those moments that is ingrained in my mind for how unique this experience was.

I knew God had orchestrated those events: Maggie’s gifts, Maggie’s bold statement, Rick coming to our class, and even me making such a request.

I cannot even explain the emotion and Joy I felt knowing that God was speaking so clearly and that He wanted my daughter and I to be together. I could feel my heart growing. There had been a space for her for a long time, but after this, wow, the hope was so real.

Freeing Joy: 3

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Fri, 20 Mar 2015 23:00:00 GMT

Many months went by after my dream, months of me pursuing Christ. Not a baby, not a daughter. Just more Jesus. I also had my hands quite full with my boys. By this time, Isaac was 11, Sy was 6 and Jude was 4. And honestly, I was just trying to be the best mom I could be but felt like I was really struggling with my youngest. He challenged me to my core. I don’t remember even thinking about adding anymore children to our family. I was full. I was tired. But thank God, it wasn’t about me or my strength, my patience or my insecurities. It wasn’t even about my children. And yet that is how God next started speaking to us, through the mouths of our babes. I started to notice some changes in my sons. They were asking for a sister, pleading for a sister. I don’t think I had any influence on this. In fact, I remember being really shocked. I really couldn’t understand why they would ask for a baby. Our lives were full and tired; didn’t they see that too?! But it didn’t take me long to realize God put this love and longing in their hearts.

I remember one evening in January (thirteen months after my dream), where it was nice enough to grill and eat outside on the patio around our newly built pool. My husband had probably made some fantastic BBQ. And after we ate and cleaned up, we kept visiting out there, enjoying family time. As the night crept up on us, the boys once again started talking about a sister. This instance really stood out to me. Maybe because it felt like they had planned it; they were plotting together. I remember looking at my husband like “where is this coming from?” I knelt down to Sy, sweet Sy. He was the loudest voice on the sister brigade. And I explained that mommy and daddy could not make a sister come, that if that was something that he really wanted, he could pray about it; that we could all pray about it. He understood praying. He liked to pray for others and would oftentimes, stop to pray for someone he saw in a cast or with crutches.

So it was no surprise that he prayed for a sister…again…and again. And his faith! Wow! He would just come up to me and tell me he was going to have a sister because he prayed for one. The END. Period. No problems.

A few weeks later I was riding bikes with my oldest and Isaac asked me, “Why don’t we just go to Africa or China and adopt a little girl?” I replied, “You would want that?” “Yeh, why not?” he said without much thought. It started to become very clear that our kids had been gifted this love for a sister. And they seemed pretty willing to go to the lengths needed. Tony and I talked about it later that night when they slept. Was this something we wanted too? Could we dare to imagine a daughter? Could we really dream about the possibility? Or were we too scared to think about the efforts it was going to take to make this a reality. It made our stomachs flip.

Our hearts felt free to feel the longing we had tucked away. Our children had freed us to go that place in our heart, freed us to hope. Correction: our God had freed us through our sons.

Maturing Joy:2

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Wed, 18 Mar 2015 19:00:00 GMT

Now not much felt different yet but I was still excited and expecting JOY, when I got to hear an amazing message from our Pastor Rick Thompson December 12 ^th 2010, eleven days after my dream. Wouldn’t you know, it was the week of Advent on JOY! And those beautiful little girls were dancing around the sanctuary. And just like always, I cried. (My heart always melts for those sweet ballerinas when I see them.) Rick started the sermon in Exodus 40:35 with God showing up in a cloud over the tabernacle. Rick advised that “when God shows up in a manifest way, like a dream (hello???), listen to Him.” Then we hear about how Mary receives the word from God (through an Angel that she will give birth to the Holy, Son of of God; Luke 1:26-38–this sentence should not get parentheses-right! It is the main story after all!) and ponders it, then waits expectantly for the gift of Him. I kept hearing Rick say, “When God speaks, receive his message.” In my message notes, I remember writing “Why would God find favor with me? I am not sinless like Mary.” And then Rick answered this as if he knows this had to be hard to understand. Rick explained Ephesians 1:6: He has graced us; favored us. I didn’t do anything to gain this favor but he still gives it.

Luke 11:28 Blessed are those who Hear God’s word and keep it. Nothing is impossible with God. Friends, readers, ponder this please. He freely gives us favor and blessing. Keep His Word. Nothing is Impossible with God! Amen!

So before I left the sactuary that day, I prayed “how can I honor and obey what you are entrusting me”. I truly wanted to accept whatever God had for me. And I even ask for a daughter (afterall I believe he wants us to ask when our hearts align with His). I also prayed that God would talk to my husband Tony too (He talked to Joseph). And then Rick closed by saying something about “a message that brings joy ” and to be like Mary–let God do whatever in and through me. I spent a lot of time pondering that. What was He going to have to do in me, messy me, to prepare me for this?

For the next few months, I kept seeking the Lord in His word, discovering what He meant by “joy”, expecting Joy in my own life and to bring Him Joy (which is such an amazing thought in itself). During my studies I learned a lot about the Joy God wants for us. And I encourage you to read for yourself. You will see that God really wants us to experience JOY and that Joy doesn’t mean happiness. Do a search for Joy in the bible. There are such good nuggets of truth and love in His word. This verse spoke to me, begging me to remain close to him that I might experience His joy.

John 15:10-11 “If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love…that my joy might be your joy and your joy wholly mature .

I think God was really trying to get me to let go of the things keeping me from fully embracing Him, from that enthusiastic response to Him. He wanted me to live without this turmoil between the natural and spiritual and be full of Joy. In the coming posts I will write about how He kept it easy to be so in Awe of Him, to really live out the enthusiastic response, even when I could barely claim the hope of such lavish gifts of JOY. I will share our journey of how God put Joy in our children’s hearts and clearly spoke “adoption” into our lives. And finally I will share what it meant for our family to be obedient and patient. You may already know some of the bits of story but I promise there is more. More of God’s goodness. More of our awe. More of God’s attention to detail and more of us opening our eyes to how He cares about all of it. In fact, I think He really loves those details; the inside jokes; the personal relationship. If you have any questions about this God of mine or adoption, I am glad to listen and share. Feel free to post questions or comments.

Dreaming Joy:1

WCAdmin@marketamerica.com (Market America WebCenters) — Tue, 17 Mar 2015 03:47:00 GMT

My name is Amy. I have a daughter! For the longest time, I didn’t think I would ever say those words. And I had reconciled that notion. I had three perfect, healthy, wild, adorable boys. And then my tubes tied! Right, I mean I wasn’t going for a basketball team. And even if I was okay with that, my body seemed to reject recovering from any more after the three cesarean births and subsequent infections.

But then something amazing happened, God spoke to my family. He spoke straight to our hearts and then gently awoke us to promises and hopes only He could provide in His perfect timing. Some days it felt like he was jumping up and down, waving his hands, saying “look what you can do…with me” and performing modern-day miracles– until we couldn’t deny the longing and call for our lives. And we are sooooo grateful. I am so very thankful. I want to share her story, because it is beautiful. Because I feel so blessed to be chosen by God, my children chosen, and I know that God calls us all in different ways. I hope you will not only be blessed to know more about the adoption that changed our life, but you will be encouraged to discover the message that brings Joy for you.